January 3rd 2010

So as of lately, my depression has really been getting the best of me. Ive had too much shit on my plate and quite honestly been overwhelmed by it. The thing that has been kicking me down more than anything else is being alone. Im caught in a vicious cycle again to where Im depressed cause I cant meet anyone and woment dont take interest in me because Im depressed. So where to go from here?

I came to a revelation the other day that, the only person that can make me happy is myself. People have been telling me this for years but, this was the first time I ever actually listened. I want to stop being alone but first I have to be happy with myself. So what am I going to do about it? As of tomarrow, Im going to start working out every day. I need to get rid of this beer gut that Ive gotten in the last few months. I put on 30 lbs in the last 6 months and now its time to turn that excess weight into muscle. Secondly, Im done smoking, drinking and eatting red meat. I have to detoxify my entire system. For way too long now, Ive been slowly poisoning my body. Time to get my body in harmony and clean everything out. Thirdly, Im done trying to be with anyone who doesnt want to be with me. I thought I wanted to be with Joann, but I think it was lust more than anything else for the reason why I wanted to be with her. She has told me numerous times that she loved me but actions speak louder than words. So I just have to let her go and I guess if she comes back to me then it was meant to be.

Besides my personal stuff, there are a few friends that Im concerned about. First and foremost, Jessica. Now a little over a month ago she was going thru some shit where her b/f dumped her and was treating her like shit. So we hung out a bunch and had some good times. A few weeks later, she called me up at 2 in the morning to tell me that she was out on a date and was reading her e-mail from facebook. Comes to find out her ex b/f perposed to her. Now Im not the most romantic guy in the room but Im sorry, that a completely douche bag move. Really, though facebook? How lame. Especially after he treated her like shit for the previous few months(I mean the girl was crying a few times when i went over her house because of the way he was treating her). So the conversation that we had over the phone, I told her that it probably wasnt the best idea for her to marry him and she promised me she wouldnt. Fast forward to christmas eve and Jessica is now married to him. So as a good friend, I have to step back and let her make her own mistakes. This time i wont be there for her when he treats her like shit again. I wish her the best but optimisim can only go so far before reality takes over.

Besides that, Ive been working at a car dealership in plainville for the last month. Only making 8 bucks an hour under the table. But, at least its money. I need to make a hell of a lot more to move out of here and have my own place again. So this is another part of my plan for the next few months. Gotta get a better job that pays better and has constant hours. Also I need a job thats not under the table. This economy has to turn around sometime, it cant be bleak forever.