So this is my first blot in a very very long time. So here is what has been going on. I'm still working at the hospital. Its going oon almost two years here. Ive been searching for another job for a while now. To be completely honest, if I ever want to have any type of life again, I need to find something that pays as well as what I makey now but on first shift. My social life nnnand personal life is virtually nonexistant at this point. Ive been working second shift jobs now for 4 years and quite frankly, it has taken a toll on me both physically and emotionally. I doing well but id like to be doing better. I'm gonna spend the next few weeks working more and more on this blog. Sometime next week I will post up my top albums of the year list.

The last few months

So in the last few months, ive had some serious ups and downs. Ive been working and writing music like crazy which is the good part. I dated a girl named colleen martin who has taught me not to trust women ever again. We we together for a little over a month and she ended up breaking up with me and said that she cant be in a relationship and just isnt relationship materal. I asked her if she wanted to work things out and her exact words were "I'm all set with that." So today i find out that two days later, she's already in another relationship. I will never ever trust a woman again. I really fell hard for her and she completely ripped my heart out.

Snow or lack there of

The weather reports on tuesday said, we were going to get over a foot of snow on wednesday. It was sopossed to start around 3am and go till this morning. So, I ended up getting a message from beth saying that mike(her brother) needed someone extra to do snow removal. Since it was 12:30 at night when I got the message I never called him.
Yesterday, I decided to sleep in because of all the snow they said we were going to get. I woke up around 11am and looked outside. To my suprise, there was no new snow on the ground. Puzzeled, I turn on my tv and go straight for the weather channel. They apparently moved back the weather advisory but it was still going to be a lot. At this point, I called mike to find out what time he was heading out. He told me that he had to check with his boss and get back to me. "I should know by six pm what time we are heading out", said mike. I get off the phone with him and take a trip to stop and shop to pick up a few things for dinner. Two cans of creamed corn. Some ground turkey. A box of mashed potato's and a few other things. I then head back home and decide to jump online. I planed on doing some writing yesterday but I was having massive problems with speed on my internet. After fighting with the internet for a few more hours, I start cooking dinner. Sheppards pie for dinner.
Not even a minute after I have the pie in the oven, I get a phone call from mike. "Yeah dude, the snow isnt gonna be as much as we first thought. So we're not gonna need ya tonight. But if something comes up, I'll let ya know", says mike. I replied with "Alright, thanks anyways man" I hang up the phone with him and was dissapointed. I could have used the money from that for the weekend. Better luck next time, I thought. An hour passes and dinner is done. I sat there watching tv in silence, enjoying my meal.
After dinner, I talked to beth and she said she was doing carbombs. So I told her I was jelous and would try to head over shortly. Cleaning up my plate from dinner, then layered up and I was out the door. At this point the snow pretty much stopped, there was roughly 4-5 inches on the ground. Nowhere near what was called for. Cleaning off my truck and jumping inside, I turn the defroster on to clean the windshield. After I get my truck clean, I leave for beth and Chris's house. On the way over there, I'm driving doen the street that connects to beth and chris's and this minivan comes out from a sideroad on my left, completely runs a stop sign and almost t-bones me. Aggitated, I shake it off and continue my trek to beth and chris's. Once I get there, I pull in the driveway, go inside and take my boots off. Walking downstairs to the basement, I can hear chris laughing then I hear him say in a loud and stern voice "shut the fuck up!!!" Taken back a little by this, I say "Whats up dude?" He then turns to me and explains that this comic book series that hes been into for a while just put out their newest edition and that one of his friends was text messaging him about it while he was reading it.
Taking my coat off and sitting down on the couch, I open up the newest issue of game informer and go straight to the game reviews section to see what new games were comming out and how they were rated. Sitting there for a few minutes, quietly reading while chris continued to read his comic book, I then hear from upstairs the front door shut. Footsteps from the front door to the top of the stairs can be heard. "Hey guys, sorry it took me so long to come in. Got caught up talking to the landlord. Want a carbomb porter?" Says beth. "Does a bear shit in the woods" I replied. Back up the stairs from the basement to the kitchen we went. A few minutes later, after some preperation, the car bombs are ready and down the hatches they go. Back down stairs we went to play xbox 360. So we ended up playing boarderlands for a little bit cause beth wanted to show me the new zombie island add on for the game. After that we get into a game of halo 3 with Laila and a few other people online. Halfway thru our first match, Beth's phone rings and its mike. "Hey man, ya still wanna work tonight?" Mike says. "I'll call you back after this match is over" Then I hang up the phone. While I was finishing up the match, I was trying to decide if I wanted to go out because I did have a few drinks by this point and didnt think that I'd be that helpful to mike but I decide to call mike back and tell him that Im willing to work. Layering back up, I say bye to beth and chris and take off to go back home for my snow suit.
Pulling into my driveway, my truck gets stuck half way up my driveway. So I run inside to get my snowsuit and get ready to go shoveling. Once ready, I walk ouside and see mike pull up. I then ask mike if he could just plow me out quick so that I could get my truck out of the driveway quick. He agrees and then plows out the driveway. After hes done, I try to get my truck up the rest of the way but its no use and I end up leaving it at the bottom of the driveway. I then jump in the truck with mike and his room mate kevin who will be working with us tonight. By this point its about 11:30pm, the snow has stopped and the main roads are mostly clear. We first start off by cleaning this arrangements of condos on the plainville/bristol boarder. From there we made our rounds of about 15 other places thruout the night. We finished up around 4:30 in the morning. By the time I got home, I was beat. I walk into the house, take my boots off, make my way to my bedroom, check my e-mail and pass out from exhuaustion.
Today I woke up to hearing the laughter of Audrea(my niece). Nothing puts me in a better mood than to hear her first thing in the morning. I then get out of bed, shave, brush my teeth and jump in the shower. While in the shower, all I could think of was the newest song that we were all working on at our last practice and how we could improve it. Once out of the shower, I called mark to find out what time he wanted me at his house before practice. He said the usual time around 5ish. After hanging up the phone with him, I spent some time on skype talking to Jen. She told me about how the time capsule they sold her for her mac was screwed up and that she got a new one. She then tells me that shes gonna try to get a cab on post tonight so that she can go to quiz night in Heidelberg and that she has to go. Shortly after I decide to make a calzone for lunch then sit down and watch PBS with audrea.
Now, its all peacefull here and we are watching some show with CGI dinosaurs. Audrea is calming down and seems like she's gonna take a nap soon. My lunch is done, so Im gonna go. I'll write again in a few days after the weekend. Trying to stay optimistic about a holiday thats meant to make single people feel like shit, is not that easy. But, Im trying

Writing for the sake of writing

Been about a month since my last blog post on here. So in the last month, life has gotten considerably better. I got a job working for a company out of hartford called JCL. Im going to be a life skills instructor for mentally disabled adults. This is work that I've been trying to get into for a while and I'm very excited about it. Finally, a job where its very rewarding and it opens up so many doors for the future. They will also be paying for medical training for CPR and MED CERT, so i can have those under my belt. After that Im going to take a paramedic course and hopefully they'll pay for that.

Jen was here from Germany. Had a blast with her. The first few nights that she was here, we went out to a few bars, met up with people that she hasnt seen in a while. We both went and got tattooed. I got one of the pieces on my leg colored in and she got her back finished off the next day. We also went to the shooting range and shot a Sig Sauer .45. That was a lot of fun. I kept my target and one of the shells from it. This was my first time going to the shooting range and I think Im a little hooked now. Next step is getting my permit and taking my dads guns to a gun smith to make sure they are in working condition. After that, we hung out for a few days then she went back to germany.

Since she left, things have gotten somewhat back to normal. I've been very focused on getting my head on straight and getting back on my feet. I plan on having my own place again by april. This time, no room mate. Just gonna live on my own. Im sick of worrying about what other people do and who they bring over. Besides, I dont party much anymore. So its time for me to finally calm down, continue to write music the way I've been. Which, by the way, has been going awesome. I also joined a new band a little while back. Not sure if I posted it in here but they are from the new haven area and are called Red Tide Horizon. The stuff we've been working on is a mix between at the gates, botch and undying. As Im getting older, I'm more into melodic music and thats reflected in my music. I'm not so much into just straight heavy music anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love real gutteral death metal but to write it, its not in me anymore. This music is making me feel happy again. For the first time in almost 10 years, I feel really content with myself and where I'm going. I also feel very confident in myself. This is a good place to be

My thoughts on the careless thoughts from people as of late

So in the last week, it has really come to my attention of how selfish people can be. The situation in haiti has brought this front and center for me. I have seen people write things about how they are upset that the united states is willing to go help out haiti but is unwilling to help its own people. First and foremost this is false. The united states has programs set up to help the majority of its citizens between welfare, unemployment and various other programs to help people survive. These people have also said that we should not help Haiti because what have they done for us. That is 100% irrelevant to what happened there. This is one of the biggest catastrophe's in human existance. To deny these people help is completely against everything moral most humans are brought up on. People are starting to claim that this a political issue when in fact its a moral issue. How can people be so hartless to deny other human beings help in their time of need? These people also say, where were they during 9-11 and Katrina. Well during 9-11 we did get help from other countries and katrina we fucked the pooch and waited too long to the point of when the government did help, it was already too late. As bad as both of those were, they pale in comparison to what happened in Haiti. The news reports are now saying that over 200,000 people are dead and 1.5 million are homeless. So to say they dont need help, then I say you have no right even calling yourself human. You are the lowest of the low. Your group of people have made me lose my faith in the american mentality and I am quite ashamed at this point that you live among us. You should all be ashamed and take a second look at yourselves and re-evaluate your moral compass because it is totally off

This is a song I wrote at the end of November 2009. I still have to post the finished version. It is called "Can't Carry Darkness Through Shadows". I hope you enjoy it

January 3rd 2010

So as of lately, my depression has really been getting the best of me. Ive had too much shit on my plate and quite honestly been overwhelmed by it. The thing that has been kicking me down more than anything else is being alone. Im caught in a vicious cycle again to where Im depressed cause I cant meet anyone and woment dont take interest in me because Im depressed. So where to go from here?

I came to a revelation the other day that, the only person that can make me happy is myself. People have been telling me this for years but, this was the first time I ever actually listened. I want to stop being alone but first I have to be happy with myself. So what am I going to do about it? As of tomarrow, Im going to start working out every day. I need to get rid of this beer gut that Ive gotten in the last few months. I put on 30 lbs in the last 6 months and now its time to turn that excess weight into muscle. Secondly, Im done smoking, drinking and eatting red meat. I have to detoxify my entire system. For way too long now, Ive been slowly poisoning my body. Time to get my body in harmony and clean everything out. Thirdly, Im done trying to be with anyone who doesnt want to be with me. I thought I wanted to be with Joann, but I think it was lust more than anything else for the reason why I wanted to be with her. She has told me numerous times that she loved me but actions speak louder than words. So I just have to let her go and I guess if she comes back to me then it was meant to be.

Besides my personal stuff, there are a few friends that Im concerned about. First and foremost, Jessica. Now a little over a month ago she was going thru some shit where her b/f dumped her and was treating her like shit. So we hung out a bunch and had some good times. A few weeks later, she called me up at 2 in the morning to tell me that she was out on a date and was reading her e-mail from facebook. Comes to find out her ex b/f perposed to her. Now Im not the most romantic guy in the room but Im sorry, that a completely douche bag move. Really, though facebook? How lame. Especially after he treated her like shit for the previous few months(I mean the girl was crying a few times when i went over her house because of the way he was treating her). So the conversation that we had over the phone, I told her that it probably wasnt the best idea for her to marry him and she promised me she wouldnt. Fast forward to christmas eve and Jessica is now married to him. So as a good friend, I have to step back and let her make her own mistakes. This time i wont be there for her when he treats her like shit again. I wish her the best but optimisim can only go so far before reality takes over.

Besides that, Ive been working at a car dealership in plainville for the last month. Only making 8 bucks an hour under the table. But, at least its money. I need to make a hell of a lot more to move out of here and have my own place again. So this is another part of my plan for the next few months. Gotta get a better job that pays better and has constant hours. Also I need a job thats not under the table. This economy has to turn around sometime, it cant be bleak forever.